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look for the girl with the broken smile.. [entries|friends|calendar]
there's so much on my mind, it's tearing me apart.



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Oh, Springtime. How I adore you. :) [March242007]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I love my friends!!
I found this video from last summer. It's quite amazing.
This is what you do randomly while waiting for friends in the H&M fitting rooms.
Please note: You can't actually hear the techno music but it was on. Hence the head movements to the song. Haha.

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Snow, snow go away! [March142007]
Snow is melting!
Spring Break officially starts Friday after I finish my math quiz at 12:00. I'm so exctied! :)
For now it's midterms until i faint. yuck. 
And on top of that, I'm sick. It's not very nice.
I never get sick, but of course, the moment midterm weeks hit I am.
It hit about 60 today. That made me extremely happy and brightened my day.
I've been super busy lately, but i'm not complaining. I'm actually happy. :)
I'm in the need for some Spring cleaning and some Spring shopping!! :) 
Oh, and Rudy's officially opens Wednesday the 21st. If it's nice out and sunny then i'm there!
If not, of well. I'm sure there will be many, many nice days ahead of me. :)
Well i'm off to board the study train for the rest of the night. Should be fun, haha.
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the year two-thousand seven. [January032007]
[ mood | satisfied ]

Happy 2007.
It's the new years & no resolutions for me. I never keep them, so why even bother?
The past few days have been pretty amazing (hence the lack of updates on here).
I brought in the New Year with some of the best people I know.
Plus, I got extremely AMZAZINGLY AWESOME news. It kind of blew my mind.
Maybe it'll even lead to a happier me? I'm trying real hard lately, so please be patient.
So thumbs up to good times. :)
Time has passed so quickly since I went on Christmas Break. Well, even before that.
Everything just seems to be going faster and faster and won't stop. It's crazy.
Five days until I get my wisdom teeth out. Ahhhh. Definately not looking forward to that.
Oh, & as for my new 2007 calender, I can't find it. At all. I've looked just about everywhere.
I want to put it up real badddd. I still have my 2006 Twisted Whisker's one up and seriously the bear is scary.
Actually, he just looks like he's on loadss of drugs. But really, I need to find my new one. ASAP.
I finally finished both seasons one & two of grey's anatomy tonight. I really don't know what i'm going to do without it now.
Haha, seriously though. I looked forward to that like everyday (i know, sad).
But on the up side, when I was actually having good times, I totally forgot about it.
So maybe it's just my release from reality and focusing on other people's problems. It makes me feel better? Maybe.
I thought i'd write a lot more than this but I didn't. Oh well.
Goodnight.

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Mystery Person [December302006]
[ mood | optimistic ]

Today wasn't really such an interesting day. It was actually kind of blah.
Random Fact: My two bottom front teeth hurt when I breath in air. Weird? It's been bothering me for a few days. Hmm.
I can't wait for New Year's Eve. I'm excited. It should be a grand old time.
All of my best friends reunited again. Yayyy!
So yeah, I'm still pretty much hooked on Grey's Anatomy. It's like I just can't shut it off.
I just keep telling myself..One more episode. Everytime. Ha, I think it's an illness.
Boys are terribly exhausted. Especially all of the thoughts that come with them. Ahh.
Why can't I just hate him. It'd be so much easier. :)
People surpise me though, nonetheless. A lot actually.
It's amazing how you don't really know some people & then people you don't think you know, you actually do.
I'm not making any sense at all, but really, that's alright. I don't need to.
I understand & really that's all that matters.
Mhmmm. So the interesting parts of the day?
I didn't fall asleep until very late last night (like 3:30 ish) so I slept in kind of late this morning.
Eleven o'clock rolls around and the phone rings many times. No message.
Then not even a minute later, the phone rings again. Still no message.
After this lovely event woke me up I still lay groogy in my bed.
Five minutes later, I hear a car pull into my driveway proceeded by a BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG.
Ha, I don't know about you, but when I wake up in the morning I particulariliy don't want to come in contact with anyone.
Especially unexpected visitors. Messy hair, sleep in my eyes, my eyes aren't even fully open, & most of all lovely morning breath.
So I lay in bed and say screw it.
Then another BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG.
So I get the plan that when this stops i'm going to go look out the window to see who's car was in the driveway.
Oh, a good three minutes pass. then BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG... AGAIN!
Seriously, give up already. :-P
At this point i'm getting highly frustrated. But then, out of nowhere, the mystery person gives up.
I hear the back entrance door close and they proceed to start their car.
But guess what? It won't start. Soo, they try again. Still nothing.
Then the third time must really be the charm because it started. Seconds later the phone rings again.
And yep, you guessed it no message. Once the phone stops ringing I hear the car pull away.
Then once the coast was clear I get up and check the answering machine (You know just in case) but nothing.
So I walked around for a bit then got in the shower and continued my day normally.
Still at this point, no one will fess up to the mystery person, ha.
So if you know anything, anything at all, then please leave a message or something. :)
Okay, so now that that's over with I think i might end this now.
What started out as a lame entry became somewhat interesting I suppose and rather long along the way.
So i'm ending it now. Goodnight.

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All it needs is a little fixing. [December292006]
[ mood | lonely ]

How can I feel so lonely and empty lately?
It's driving me insane. Seriously.
But I am determined that I can fix this. That's all it needs.
I adore and love my friends so much. I've missed them quite dearly.
But once again, boys.. ahhh.
I hate the fact that I miss liking this one boy. Who I really shouldn't at all.
You know, it's just the feeling I miss. The comfort, the security, the warmth.
And now all of that is gone. I miss that feeling. Even though I was led on numerous times, I miss the times that I was sincerely happy.
I'm so afraid to feel like that again & get shot down again. I hatehatehate that feeling.
So i'm almost placing myself in protect mood right now. There's a boy I really like but i'm too afraid to say anything. It's crazy.
Who knows, we'll see how things go.
But while on the subject I was watching Grey's Anatomy earlier (big suprise) and I found this rather appropriate. So, enjoy. :) Ha.

Meredith: It's not us, it's them, them and their stupid boy...penises! They didn't tell me they had a wife, they gave me absolutely no warning that they were gonna break up with you.
Cristina: It's not that Burke broke up with me. It's how he broke up with me. Like it's business, like it's a business transacti--like he's the boss of me.
Meredith: He is the boss of you.
Cristina: What's worse is that I care.
Meredith: I'm gonna throw up again.(Rushes over to the toilet on her knees, and Cristina shuts the shower door) No, wait...false alarm.(Cristina opens the shower door again)
Cristina: The problem is estrogen.
Meredith: No, the problem is tequila.
Cristina: You know, I used to be all business, then he goes and gets me pregnant.
Meredith: With the stupid boy penis.
Cristina: Ugh, now I'm having hormone surges! He ruined me, I'm ruined. He turned me into this fat stupid pregnant girl, who cares. Estrogen.
Meredith: Penises.(Izzie and George walk in the bathroom) Penises, Izzie.
Cristina: Estrogen, George.
(She holds out a cup and Izzie puts water in it)
George(To Izzie): Okay. What'd I miss?

All in all. I miss being happy. Sincerely, truly happy.
I'm going to try and make some changes to ensure this. I really am.
And from here on out, no more complaining in here. (Or at least, not as much as I have been lately)
Although, i'm pretty sure no one even reads this anymore. Oh well. It's for me anyway.
I think I end this now & then write again with a clear mind tomorrow. Maybe i'll even read a little.
Goodnight.

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new layout. [December292006]
new layout. :)
credit to layouts&icons
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all is well. [December272006]
[ mood | sleepy ]

so yeah. all is well. i haven't updated in forever.
i decided that tonight would be the night to do it.
christmas was good. i got grey's anatomy seasons 1 & 2.♥
i pretty much love them to death & haven't stopped watching them since.
boys confuse me.
since i've last written i've dealt with one heartbreak with a boy i loved.
he hurt me so much. i forgave him once, then something else happened.
i kind of went into a state of depression you could say.
it sucked but enough is enough. i don't think i could ever imagine myself with him anymore.
i thought i really liked another boy, but i suppose i don't know. weird.
& then there's this other boy who is just simply amazing. i adore him.
he's completely unaware of this too & i intend on keeping it that way for awhile.
he's so out of my reach which sucks. a lot.
i'm through with college until january 25th. so happy.
i made the dean's list, i suppose.
i get my wisdom teeth out january 8th. i'm terrified.
i've never had any kind of dental precedures done so cut me some slack.
i'm highly tired & have been messing around with this for the past 2 hours or so.
maybe i'll call it a night & fix everything tomorrow?
yeah, sounds good. :)

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yeah. its me again. [August112006]
[ mood | pensive ]

Okay, so i'm back. I do believe this is in need of a journal update. I miss my journal. A lot, actually. I just can't seem to get myself to type in it everyday like I used to. So, i'm kind of in a reflective mood tonight. I've realized that i've changed so much during the past four years of my life, but still remained the same at the same time. It's hard to believe that in two weeks i'll be in college. College. I've always thought about it being the future, but I never dreamed the future would come so soon. Don't get me wrong, i'm very excited. But at the same time it's the start of the rest of my life. Many of my friends are leaving for college (or actually, have already left). You know, you've got those people who you're friends with, but don't always hang out with all the time. Then when they leave it all of a sudden hits you "Wow, I should have spent more time with them." Maybe, it's just me. But I really don't believe that's the case here. We're all starting a new chapter in our lives unsure of what to make of it & just hope to god that we do it right. We want to have fun and enjoy ourselves (finally, freedom) but at the same time realize we need to focus on what we want to do.. for the rest of our lives. Honestly I can say that i've had my doubts about what I want my career to be. (And to be truthful, I still do) I love kids & I know that for certain. But elementary or art? That's the tough call. Everyone brainwashes me that choosinng a profession in art will be a horrible choice and i'll never get a job. I don't believe that's true. But it's brainwashed into my head that it's such a bad thing. Elementary education is the way to go. I'll get a job that way. To be honest, I think i'll get a job either way. I wish I had the guts to just say, "You know what? I'm going to do what I think will make me happy in the long run." but of course, I don't. Instead I go off thinking well, maybe I'm having these doubts because i'm not good enough. I'll never be that good. I look at other artists and love their work and think I want to do that, but I don't think I can. That right there is an esteem issue. How am I possibly going to get that good without going through the proper schooling and courses. That's obvious. I honestly don't know. I think I know what I want and then I don't. I can always still do art on the side (in my spare time) but i suppose I can't do the other. I'm so indecisive I hate it. Lately, it's gotten horrible. Enough about college. Tomorrow I have Jimmer & Jenn's "annual" picnic to go to which should be fun. I love my family to death. We're close and I love it. Whenever i'm with all my cousins and everyone we just have the best times. Not even kidding. Plus, it will get me away from my "home family". Things have been crazy lately. My parents pretty much fight all the time & when they aren't my mom's complaining to me about "how my dad doesn't care about us anymore and ever since I got my lisence he expects me to do everything so he doesn't have to spend time with us." It's quite rediculous. I mean, I agree with her on some things, but always telling me about it makes me feel like crap. Seriously, I don't want to listen to all of that. I love my parents to death, but lately, i'm wishing I was going to stay on campus. Ahh, hopefully things will get better soon, because honestly I don't know how much I can take of this. Yeah, so i've went from reflection to complaining. Sorry about that. I've just been stressed lately & I've tried to hide it. You know how it goes. But.. i'm kind of tired and probably should head to bed soon. I have a lot to think about and whoever is actually reading this (congrats if you did) is bored out of their minds. I doubt anyone actually is though. Oh well. I needed to write an entry regardless.

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[April142006]
[ mood | content ]

1) First Name Spelled Backwards: araS.
2) Middle Name Spelled Backwards: htebazilE.
3) Last Name Spelled Backwards: sdrawdE.
4) Your Half-Birthday: Ohh, i've got this. December 11th.
5) What type of milk do you drink?: One Percent.
6) What is the most sentimental thing you own?: My piccy-tures.<3
7) Have any imaginary friends?: Hah, no.
8 ) When was the last time you brushed your teeth?: This morning.
9) Do you listen to Christmas music in July?: I did once, but no not usually.
10) What is the first thing that comes to mind when I say January?: Jack Frost.
11) May?: SAT.
12) November?: Thanksgiving.
13) July?: Harborfest.
14) April?: Spring Break.
15) February?: Valentine's Day.
16) October?: Halloween.
17) August?: Sunshine.
18) March?: St. Patricks Day.
19) December?: Christmas.
20) June?: My Birthday, Graduation.
21) September?: Back To School.
21) What color is your blanket?: It's lilac with brown flowerish things on it.
22) What was the last movie you bought?: Just Like Heaven & In Her Shoes.
23) Last CD you bought?: I don't buy, I burn.
24) What radio station do you listen to?: 93.1, 107.9, 105.5.
25) Are you the only child, oldest child, middle child, or youngest child?: Youngest.
26) If you do have brother(s) or sister(s) put them in alphabetical order, including yourself: John, Sara.
27) Do you have anything on your bedroom walls? If so, what?: Many, Many things.<3
28 ) How many windows in your home?:  A ton. I don't count.
29) How many pairs of shoes do you own?: Shoes, a couple, Sneakers, two?, Flip Flops, many.
30) What's the weirdest song title you've ever heard of?: Mmmbop.
31) Whats the worst movie you've ever seen?: Stepford Wives.
32) Whats the worst CD you've ever listened to?: I'm not sure.
33) What US State would you NEVER want to visit?: New Mexico & i'm not sure why.
34) What country would you NEVER want to visit?: Not sure?
35) What is your least favorite color?: Grey.
36) What is your favorite flavor Fanta (the soda)?: I don't drink soda. much.
37) Do you have any scars?: Nahh?
38 ) Do you know anybody in the Army, Navy, Marines, or any other group?: Mhmm.
39) What color goes good with Blue?: Orange, it's complumentary to it.
40) Green?: Brown.
41) Grey?: Black.
42) Orange?: Blue.
43) Red?: Yellow.
44) Yellow?: Green.
45) Purple?: Green.
46) What is your favorite character in 'Harry Potter'?: I'm not certain.
47) 'Lord Of The Rings'?: haha, that book = death. I'd have to go with.. Sam.<3
48 ) 'Grease'?: Rizzo.
49) Have you ever seen 'Life Is Beautiful'?: Nope.
50) What about 'Monsters Inc.'?: Yes.
51) Do you like Scooby Doo?: No.
52) Describe your perfect place to live (imaginary or not): A place where there's four seasons,.
53) Does your back hurt?: A little.
54) Do you collect anything?: Undies, haha.
55) Have you ever been to camp?: My dad's in Canesteo.
56) Do you have a car? Yesss.<3
57) If you don't have a car, would you name it? If so, what?: I don't name it.
58 ) What is your perfect car?: mine.
59) What family member are you closest to?: I'm not sure, it's pretty equal.
60) What family member do you wish you were closer to?: My grandma, but she pretty much hates me.
61) Do you consider pets as family?: haha, Maggie.
62) Do you look at a calander daily?: Sometimes?
63) What is your least favorite holiday?: Valentine's Day.
64) Do you like getting air-mail?: Yes.
65) Would you ever go on a cruise?: Yes.
66) How many phones do you have in your home?: Three?
67) Do you own or wear a watch?: I own one, but rarely wear it.
68 ) Do you wear any jewelry? If so what do you wear?: Earrings, braclet, necklace, sometimes a ring.
69) Where do you wish you were right now?: Not home.
70) With whom?: Mes amies.
71) Doing what?: Anything.
72) Have you ever had a sepia photo taken of you?: Mhmm.
73) What is your least favorite WB movie?: I don't know.
74) Do you own any hats? Is yes, what kinds?: No?
75) Do you own anything that is older then you?: I'm not positive.
76) How many hours of sleep did you get last night?: Uhmm.. like 7?
78 ) Have you ever won a ribbon?: Yes,
79) Do you save old birthday/christmas/whatever cards given to you?: Yes.
80) How many clocks are in your home?: A lot.
81) Ever been to Disneyland?: No.
82) Ever been to Universal Studios?: No.
83) Ever seen the cockpit of an airplane?: No.
84) Ever made a movie?: A cooking one. ;-)
85) Geometry or Algebra?: Algebra,
86) Poems or Short Stories?: Short Stories.
87) AIM or MSN?: AIM.
88 ) MSN or Yahoo?: Yahoo.
89) AIM or Yahoo?: AIM.
90) Windows or MAC?: Windows.
91) What is your least favorite number?: I don't have one.
92) What was the last thing you said?: I don't remember.
93) What are you sitting on?: A swivel chair.
94) Have you been outside today?: Mhmm.
95) What have you done today?: Drove to the Mall & went shopping.
96) Do you like apple or orange juice?: Orange.
97) Do you like cats or dogs more?: Dogs.
98 ) What is your most favorite reptile?: Snake.
99) Would you rather fish or hunt?: Fish.
100) Are you sleepy?: Yeah, but not really. It's the dreary weather.

Turn ons & offs 
Is taller than you: On.
Is shorter than you: Off.
Wears braces: Depends.
Dresses Preppy: On.
Dresses Ghetto: Off.
Dresses Gothic: Off.
Dresses Punk: On.
Has blue eyes: On.
Has green eyes: On.
Has hazel eyes: On.
Drinks alcohol: Depends.
Wears glasses: Doesn't matter.
Smokes: OFF,
Plays sports: On.
Smiles a lot: On.
Calls you just to say Hi: On.
Compliments you: On.
Shaves his/her legs: Doesn't matter.
Wears jewelry: On.
Has facial hair: Depends.
Smiles when you walk in the room: On.
Has brown hair: On.
Has black hair: On.
Has blonde hair: On.
Has red hair: Depends.
Makeup: Off.
Can make you laugh at any given moment: On.
Loyal: On.
Laid back: On.
Plays guitar: On.
Plays drums: On.
Sings: On.
Is buff: On.
Is skinny: On.
Can draw: On.
Doesn't eat meat: Doesn't matter.
Smacks your butt: Depends.
does drugs: Off.
is bi: Off.
has a tattoo: Depends.
has a lip ring: Off.
plays musical instrument: On.
same height as you: On.
has chapped lips: Off.
has long hair: Depends.
has short hair: On.
works out: On.
creative: On.
has bigger feet than you: On.
has smaller feet than you: Off.
virgin: Doesn't matter.
doesn't party: Doesn't matter.
likes to party: Doesn't matter.
laughs a lot: On.
pierced ears: Depends.
honest and open: On.

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well needed entry..♥ [April132006]
[ mood | thankful ]

Soo, i'm back. I can't keep any real promises with this thing. I don't seem to have the time for it anymore. I'm too occupied with other things. Ideally though, I'd love to keep this up. Spring Break is a little more than halfway over, which is really sad. :o( I enjoy these breaks from all the chaos related to school. Math has been kicking my ass lately. I hate it. I've decided to send in my Oswego State letter back in to say that I will be attending in Fall 2006. Although, it may have seemed like I've only wanted to go there, that's not true. I've kept my eyes on other places, but it just didn't work out. Niagara University is very rude, or at least I think? Actually, i've heard that from quite a few people. Yeah, they offered me a really good scholarship but I don't want to deal with unpleasant people for the next 4 years of my life. They need to hire some new people to answer their phones, because they certainly wont get many students with the people they have now. Fredonia, wasn't really the school for me in the first place. I don't even really know why I applied there. I didn't really hear from that much about anything. Maybe they just knew that I wasn't so interested in them? Potsdam is really friendly. I've gotten so many calls/letters/postcards from them it's not even funny. I think that'd be my second choice if I were to go somewhere else. Lately i've been wishing that I'd applied to more competitive schools, just to see if I could have gotten in, you know? Hmm, I guess i'll always be wondering. Well, even if I did apply to SU i doubt i'd even go there. I just wanted to see if I could have been accepted. Oh well. I'm happy with my final decision. For what i'm going to college for it's perfect. It's not too expensive & I'll still be able to see those amazing Oswego sunsets. Hey, you have to look on the bright side of things, right? ;-) The only bad thing about the whole college thing is i'm still undecided on my major. I can't decide between Elementary Education and Art Education. I love art oh boy do I, but i'm not sure if i'd survive the art programs in college. I'm always into trying new things, but figure drawings & drapery studies are my downfall. They just look hidious. I guess the saying practice makes perfect, right? But will I ever be able to get them up to par? Hmm.. I guess I just put myself down a lot, and make myself think that way. I really need to stop that. Also, whenever i mention Art Education i usually get the response "Why do you want to do that? Aren't they cutting that in schools?" I certainly hope not. Kids need music and art more then people will ever know. I really do want to be happy in life and if that's what makes me happy, then why shouldn't I go for it? Elementary Education is the so called "safe" I could go with. They're always going to be needed. I guess now it's just the decision of what 'I really want'. As far as Oswego knows, i'm majoring in Elementary Ed. Ehh, I might just go a year with that and then take a lot of art classes my Freshman year. If I really like that, then i'm going for it (hoping that they allow me to change my major). I think that will be my plan. Try things out to see what i really like. If I decide to go with Elemetart Ed. my love for art will still be there. I'll take a lot of art classes, maybe even minor in it, but I wont be able to do that everyday as a career. Which just may be the right decision for me? Or maybe not? Time will only tell. Okay, so enough with the college thing. Sorry, i rambled so much, it's become a habit lately. I get to take my road test on the 28th at 2:00! I'm really excited but nervous at the same time! I just really hope I pass. I'm a good driver, I just need to work on the parallel parking aspects. Any tips for the roadtest? Feel free to comment. :o) Life has been good lately. I actually shouldn't be at home right now. I should be at Rachel's avec her and Amy, but nope my mom went on a spazzing spree today, which resulted in me being here tonight. Not cool. Seriously, when she's mad she takes it out on EVERYONE. My aunt even called and she started bitching at her. Weird. I went out driving with my dad for a while thought which brought up the chaos. Too bad I had to come back home. Well I'm kind of tired and since I spent some much time ranting on and on about college, I'm going to end this entry. I think it's enough typing for one night. Agreed? Okay. &hearts;

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